So... it's been a while since I last updated... to sum up, what happened these past 4 years... 

My last blog post said that I am leaving... turns out... I did not... I got into med school... 2nd year was ok. 3rd year was when covid hit so everything turned online. 

4th year was in 2021... I have always been struggling with progress test and I had to repeat my 4th year in 2022... I am appealing for it because it was unfair for me as the last progress test became online and I always had a problem with progress test. I finally got the way to do the first 2 which my result improved but because went online, my panic attack came back again. Anyway, I will update the result of the appeal the next time I blog and god knows when will that be? 

I got a boyfriend in 2nd year. His name is Sean and he is a Singaporean. He is 2 years older than me and also in med. He is my first official boyfriend and as time goes by, I find myself loving him more each day. 

Started working this summer break as a contact tracer for waikato dhb. $39/HR for weekday and 58.5/hr for weekend. Bought lots of stuffs with the money earned. Got a switch, spent on BF, boxing day, travelling. To be fair, I did not work much a week. At most 3 days a week? So not a lot of money was earned after spending it.... Trying to save more now because the rent for North Shore will be expensive as it is an expensive suburb. Spend last year in waikato hosp.... 

Please Jesus and Mother Mary....Let the appeal be successful so I can carry on with my degree and my life..... 

rained @ 6:39 AM

Dear diary, 

rained @ 3:14 PM

Hello hello!

Writing this blog post 2 days before my final exam on the 12th june. Felt depressed and suicidal as I don't think I can pass this final paper..... This is what i get for studying so late. Old habits never die.... Never felt this way before but I know its bad so yea i will seek help after my exams so its not going to repeat again. It is a seasonal depression, I've studied about seasonal depression and tbh yea my depression is seasonal.... I am so worried that I might not pass my papers n thus not being able to graduate..... but looking at how things are going, seriously dont think I can pass... if i ever too stressed and suicide before my final exam or even before seeking help.. please dont blame me... please dont feel bad.... i've read alot about depression suicide and i seriously believe that it can take away my pain. altho it will bring pain to my relatives..... please please dont be too hurt. I am just too weak... i know i shouldnt sacrifice my life just for a few paper but tbh, i really cant handle stress that well....... sorry if i am such a disappointment.

rained @ 4:30 AM

Hello!
Its been a long time since I've has updated and thought why not.
A lot of things had happened within these few months. My grandaunt passed away after fighting with lung cancer on 10.10.17 and I didn't know until i came back to sg which was on nov 11.
My grandma passed away too on beginning of Feb. Hers was sudden, like from being admitted into hospital till death took 3 weeks but my grandaunt took 4 months?
Anyway, this is my last year in dunedin (I hope) and my motivation level has hit an all time low. My bro graduated so he's back to singapore. TBH if you asked me 2 years ago if i wanted to do postgraduate and apply for medicine or dentistry i would say i will but if you ask me now, NO I DO NOT WANT TO APPLY. If possible, i want to study at other country, but I will see where fate takes me to.

I signed up for malam malaysia chinese dance choreographer, been practicing dance most of the time instead of giving my 100% to studies which is bad I know. Passion is not going to feed you. These few days I have been experiencing mood swing and honestly, for the first time, i felt alone, lonely, sad. Wishing I had a boyfriend by my side. But then, if i could get thru this phase of my life, then I am guessing that the need for a boyfriend will reduce dramatically. I was in a "LDR" but that didnt last long and I am fine with it bcuz TBH I didn't felt the same with my previous "some r/s" with him.

I told myself, even if I were to look for a boyfriend, I will wait till I am back in singapore and even if my right one comes next year or the year after it's ok, i will leave everything to god i believe he know what's best for me.

So yeah, I NEED TO FIND MY MOTIVATION or else i'm really worried that i can't even graduate this year.

rained @ 4:59 PM

Dear diary,

 Sometimes, i feel so annoyed by myself. When i want to socialize with people, i realised that i get too comfy with my friends and i will reveal things. I feel like i have a big mouth and it's getting really annoying. As i am with my friend, sometimes i will just keep quiet and use my phone but they will feel that i am not being friendly, and then when i participated in the conversation, i leaked something. I am very very pissed at myself, i need to think before i talk if not i will be offending lots of people. To that, i've decided to keep my mouth shut whenever i hang out with my friends. I talk because i thought i could trust them and i just wanted to be part of the convo. It seems that i am very wrong. No one can be trusted in a big group.

rained @ 4:12 PM

Hello! i have been MIA for quite a long time and i have decided to post again because i don't know? it's like i wanna update on my life.
But anyway my finals exam are coming and TBH, i don't have much confidence in it. I was feeling so down and depressed because I have been distant with my close friends. They are from Samoa and for the beginning 2 years we have been seeing each other 24/7 cause we live at the same college. But now we are separated and i don't really hang out with them. So, being by myself, altho i have my Asian friends, we don't really hang out much either, maybe like once a week?
My mood got so bad after my brother and his gf left for their placement up south. They are gone for 5 weeks and it's during my exam period that's why i feel so hopeless and no motivation at all.
I talked to my mum about it, saying how my friend's parent came to NZ from Fiji island to motivate their daughter and my mum said that she will think about it. I was so happy and i told her, why not i go back to singapore instead of you coming over? she said that she will think about it too.
A few days ago, my mum called me and asked me to book a flight back home. I in a state of disbelief because normally i don't go back during winter break as the holiday is too short, it's only a month and i feel that it is a waste of money.
However, she told me it's okay. So i went ahead to book the tickets and OMG, the tickets are so expensive because it's last minute. I called her to confirm if she really wants me back and she said it's okay, just go back home. I was so touched and i felt so blessed.
So here i am, counting down the days. I'll return on 13th June and my flight back here will be on the 10th. so i will reach dunedin around 11th. funny thing is, my school term starts on 10th. haha so i will miss two days of lesson but its okay because normally the first lecture will be introductory.....
i didn't tell my friends that i'm going back because i wanna surprise them but i told 2-3 friends about it.

Thank you Lord for letting my mum to allow me to go back and adjust my mood.
XOXO

rained @ 4:25 AM

I am so not ready to leave Singapore for my studies. Some part of me just want to leave so so so badly. But when i think that i have to do be independent, washing my clothing, cooking my own meals, changing bedsheets etc, i just want to stay in Singapore... I know that someday i need to be independent..So why not i will just learn to be independent now. Leaving for my education, i know i have to sacrifice. No more fooling around and i need to seriously study. It is like a 1 way ticket for me. I cannot fail there. I have nothing to fall back on, all i have is my O level cert. So i will need to succeed.... I know i have to think about the negative consequences.... what if i can't make it? I know i should leave when i completed my poly... but..... I wanted to start afresh.... Maybe i will even cry everyday when I'm there because I will just miss my mum so badly, missing her food, missing her hugs....Even though my bro is there at NZ, i know he won't even care about me because he have his own studies... I am not ready to leave.... But since i've made up my mind.... I will work hard and try to survive there.... I just hope that i don't fail there...

rained @ 9:47 PM